MY LiFE

Why are females so prone to falling in love.
Why do we want to be in love so bad...
What is it about love that makes us feel so good in side.
Is it the kisses.
Is it the attention you recieve from that one other person.
The crazy thing is sometimes the feelings not mutual with that other person.
Love is a crazy thing.
Why is it?? Why is it that even when everyone can see that the person is no good for you, you still strive to be happ with that other person?
Why is it that when we make mistakes we beat ourselves up for it.
We're only human.

I should have never kissed you back especially when I knew you have a girl.
I should have known better.
I should have stopped it there.
But the kiss was oh so sweet.
Lips so soft.
Tender.
When you kissed me. You kissed me like you were claiming me. Like I was yours. & N0 0NE. no one else could have me. Yours.
That feeling that you gave me had the butterflies hurting.
I was on cloud nine. Smiling from ear to ear.

Why'd you have to have a girl. That you've been with for such a long time.
Why would you do that to her.
And now I think to myself.
If he did it to her. How many other guys actually do that to their girls everyday.
That upsets me. How many times has it happen to me?
I wouldn't know.

& I feel horrible for even being apart of that.
But what if whatever we had that one night. That we kissed. Or the other night when we cuddled and just talked about everything.
What if?
There was actually something there.

his face makes me happy. I mean yeah that could be with any other dude.
But geesh. This is different.
When we spend time together.
It's lovely.
I've never even used the word lovely before.
& I won't lie.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling for him. Like really bad.
I know I know I'm no where close to that feeling yet.
But like. Idk.
Man his kisses are so sweet and ever so sensual.
It's like heaven. I haven't had someone kiss me oh so good since
Mr.Asshole. It's like I taste a little bit of sweet warm red velvet cake.
with Vanilla icing. Everytime we kiss.
And the way he holds me. Like I'm his prize possesion.
(Sigh) It just drives me wild.
And he's so respectful. If I don't want to do anything.
He'll respect that.
& he did respect it.

One question. Why am I always in a delimma like this.
But this time it's different. Because I know the feelings mutual.
But I really don't want to get hurt.
So what do I do.
What is Alba going to do?

I feel like the only way not to get hurt is to completely ignore him.
But I can't because when I see him it's kind of like
"awww there goes my boo".

But... He's not really mine :(
But he should be. And he shouldn't be with the girl that he's with now.
I just know it.
It's like I'm that kid in first grade about to come out of their seat
raising
there hands as a high as possible for, seeing the answer so clearly in their
mind
and astonished at the fact that no one else no the answer but them.
I'm that kid right now.

Deep.
UGH!

I so hate being a girl.

"I will love you anyway,
even if you cannot stay.
I think you are the one for me,
here is where we are to be..." - Chaka Khan

S000 i JUST FiNISHED PLAYiNG BASKETBALL && WHAT N0T.
iT WAS FUN. i MEAN i WAS TRYiNG T0 LEARN.
&& i HAD FUN. REALLY i DiD.
i HAVE N0 AiM.
&& i DEFiNATELY HAVE N0 SH0T.
BUT Y0U KNOW WHAT i THiNK i'M GOiNG T0 BUY ME A BASKETBALL AND LEARN H0W T0 PLAY, BECAUSE iT MiGHT BE FUN. && i MiGHT ACTUALLY ENJOY MYSELF. SO ii GUESS WE'LL HAVE T00 SEE WHAT HAPPENS WiTH THAT RiGHT.

i WONDER THOUGH. iS THERE LiKE AN ACTUAL BASKETBALL CAMP THAT'D i'D BE ABLE T0 G0 T0 0R S0METHiNG...
HMMM...


i GUESS WE'LL SEE.
MAYBE WHEN i GET BACK FR0M JAPAN.

CHEESE :)

So as I'm getting off he's coming into work. Ofcourse I see him. And I'm real cool with his friends so ofcourse they say something to me about my bangs. Haha all in fun ya know. I try to avoid making eye contact with him even though it was real difficult.
I'm just playing it cool acting like I actually have some work to do. And then while I was with the whole night check waiting on the bus. We're just clowning as usual. You know nothing out of the normal. I see him walk pass. And I knew he was looking for me. And I know he saw me I just didn't look at him. It's not that I was trying to ignore him. I just didn't want to you know have it be awkward. Ugh. Idk. Maybe I shouldv'e said hi.

Oooh god.

&& I can't stop thinking about his kiss. Funny right???

A kiss was stolen from me today.
And I liked it.
A gum was taken away from me also, but from not from my hand. From my lips.
His lips were so soft. And I didn't expect it at all.
How do you go from talking once in a blue moon.
Flirting all the time. But never making anything official.
And the one day just stealing a kiss.

Thanks boy.
Because now I can't keep this stupid smile off my face.
And I'm over thinking things. Which I shouldn't.
It was just a kiss.
A pop kiss.
But uh. I want another kiss.
Ha ha. Or my gum that is. Ha ha.

Boy oh boy.

I'm in Okinawa Japan right now. And I absolutely love it. I was always talking about how I was going to go Japan and I'm finally here. Everyone who thought I was crazy, well how do you like them apples :)

Im a nice person.
At least I'd like to think that. There's no reason why someone should have such a nasty up attitude.
Im at this bus statione and I need to ask the lady over the counter one simple question.
0ne simple question.
Yes she's w/ another customer at the moment but you know onceshe paused with him I did believe she was finish.
Then when I timidly say "excuse me" .
With all the attitude in the world she say says "your going to have to wait im attending another customer and roles her eyes".
0h my.
I've never wanted to hurt somebody so bad. Maybe I'm being a little touchy but I can't stand for someone to have nasty attitude w/ me.
Especially when I don't have one at all.
No one told her to get a job that she doesn't like. She shouldv'e went to college.
Woosa alba woosa.

How do you knw when it's real?

How do you knw when it's love?

How do you knw when to stop caring?

How do you knw when to start caring?

How do you knw their the one?

I love it. It's so peaceful. Especially when your by the beach.

S0 iM iN NEWY0RK RiGHT N0W.
& i WiSH i C0ULD STAY. i L0VE BEiNG HERE.
WiTH MY FAMiLY & FRiENDS THAT i HAVEN'T SEEN iN F0REVER.
T00 BAD i HAVE T0 G0 BACK T0 FREAkIN MiAMi.
D0N'T GET ME WR0NG i L0VE iT BUT iTS N0 NEWY0RK.

0H WELL. iLL BE iN B00TCAMP NEX WEEK.
TiLL THEN iLL BE P0PPiN CHAMPAGNE. HA.

I now have a 0FFiCiALLY a M0NTH & a DAY untill I go to bootcamp.
Exicted? N0. Hell no. But am I anxious? 0H HELL YES.
How will it be?
Who will I meet?
Will it break me?
Or will it make a better me?
Oh the feel of not knowing what to expect eh? 0h kami-sama.

Well the good thing about leaving is that I get to go back to New York for at least a week to see all my family and friends, whom I haven't seen in forever. Excited? Very. I still can't believe I'm actually going to bootcamp.

[shrieks in delight].

Today I went to go open for my manager again because she's pregnant. I don't have a problem opening up for her, because she's pregnant and in her last month. I wouldn't want her to get hurt taking out the jewelry.  However waking up early in the morning after going to sleep late is really tiring me out.  In addition to that I usually have to go back to work at  5 or 6. I guess I shouldn't be complaining because I only have to open for an hour. Also, the fact that I am a vegetarian and don't take the vitamins that I'm suppose to be taking may also be a reason why I'm so tired.

I'm going to sleep.

I was looking up on signs and I'm the mighty ram Aries whom is the first in the zodiac and also a fire sign :D Yay. Compatibility wise I would never be able to get along with Pisces [the fish] whom is the last one in the horoscope and also a water sign. Then I realize that Mr.Asshole is a Pisces. [What ever happened to opposites attracting?] Ugh. Water will always put the fire out. However fire can also make water steam. Hmm. Steam eh? Is that all. As I kept on reading on the two signs compatibity wise, it stated that for the two signs to really pursue eachother Aries must shower Pisces with love. The ram must always let the fish feel that its wanted. Pisces' are dreamers, Aries usually help the Pisces furfill their dreams and fantasy. Interesting. Eh?




Even though Mr.Asshole is an asshole [to the highest potential] I can't help but still be attracted to him. It's not just because he's awesomely good looking but his style.

Is it possible to like someone so much to soon? Probably... He calls and I get giddy. He texts me and I could probably skip around the whole house. Maybe it's just a crush. When I found out that his ex whom he loved or had love for lied to him and he was hurt I was ecstatic. I was jumping around, laughing. Giving everyone in the household kisses. The fact that he was hurting made me happy, because I was hurt earlier that morning. But then. Half an hour later he text me. I was the one  who he turned to when he was hurt... I suddenly felt happy for another reason. Because he turned to me. As many numbers that he has from girls. As many girls that he can get. He turned to me. That's gotta mean something. Right? Am I looking in it to much. I mean he knows I'm feeling him. And even though he was foul, earlier that morning I couldn't just turn away from him when he was hurting. Wierd.

Why must we be so different?
If we're so opposit why am I still attracted to you?
Why if we argue and I hurt your pride you still come to me in time of need?
Why?

I must be in over my head. How do you get over someone, that you actually don't want to get over..

...

Today I don't have to work, so I'll write to my penpal, clean up. If I keep my mind and my body busy than that should work. Yeah it should work. I'm strong.  Aries are strong. They'll ram you up.
Hehe.
I'll be okay.

Pitiful.
That's exacty how I feel. The guy had called me an we talked for awhile. He came to see me.
And we had a great time.
We kissed. Oh the kiss.
It was wonderful.
It was cute. Playful.
But for what?




Saturday. I went to see him at 5:00 in the morning.
After clubbing with my friends.
I just wanted to see him.
Why did I do that?
Why! Ugh.
He didn't even want me there.
Turns out he had someone in the house. In his room.
A girl. :(
Thats not even the worse.
He put his number in my friends phone.
I didn't even notice. I don't even think I can call him an asshole anymore.
He's just a dog. And then.
I basically argued with him the whole time I was there.
I won't say the reason why. But you could just imagine.
Why me?
I'm so stupid.
So dumb.
And then I can't stop thinking about him.
What he did?
How he was...

I'm so sad.
A Pitiful girl.

Yeah. I'm like definately attracted to assholes.
Prince Bad Ass is also a RUDE ASS. GRR. UGH. AAAAH!

Like seriously. I just wanted to see him one night.
I asked him to come see me and he asked why.
Why?
Why??
Are you freaking serious.
Why do I need a reason for HIM to come see me.
What an ASSHOLE.
I asked "Do I need a reason?"
"Yes". He responded. Yes? Are you serious? Your stupid dumb ____ ass is actually ...
Lets not finish that sentence.
I wanted to say was something like that. But no. I just said " you know what forget it"
And he says "WHATEVER".
[[rolls eyes]].
I mean really. Why . Like that was so rude.
But you know what. I have my music. And I now have an ipod.
So I'm not that  mad.
For now music will be my boyfriend.
I guess....

S00 AS iT TURNS 0UT. LiiFE iSN'T AS SUCKii AS i AM ALWAYS C0MPLANiNG AB0UT.

I have met this new guy and he is wonderful.
Well actually not that wonderful. But he sure is something.
I can't help but smile and blush,  when I think about him. 
I L0VE his style.
L0VE HiiS SWAG.
I've known him since I was in ninth grade and always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS admired him from afar.
But I heard about him. 
+ + +
T00 Many of my FRiENDS were either very fond of him or were planning on having him.
Even though for many of them it never really happened. 
:)
He's the kind of guy who doesn't really like to chase after girls.
He wants everyone to see how hard he is.
And how he does what he wants.
The Big Boss.
Basically. But I know better.
I believe he  puts on a front. BECAUSE. When he's with me [at first] he acts LiKE "oh yea I'm so bad
and I do whatever I want".
But.
Big BuTT!!
When I make jokes he laughs or smirks.
He playfights with me. And it's cute.
And I feel like I'm breaking  through his barriers already.
Soo. I guess that good. Right???

The only bad thing is.
Is that I think I like him too much already.
I think about him alot.
I listen to songs that kind of remind me of him.
And when I'm at work I keep thinking I might see him walk by me and stare at me like
he did the first time. Sigh.
He's so attractive.
His body is nice. Very nice.
His height is just right.
Low cut. 
His lips are nice and soft.
I felt them when he kissed my hand. blushing.

And. He doesn't call me everyday. More like every other day.
And we don't talk as long. And it's not always in depth. 
It is funny. And he's interesting.
A challenge. That ii like.

There is this other guy. But he doesn't occupy my thoughts half as this one does. 
actually he doesn't even come close.

What is this.
Still. I am very content.

Why can Life be depressing at times.
And.
Why do all good things come to an end.
SH*t.

I feel like crying.
But I don't have any tears.
I'm mad.
But I don't have a reason to be.
I'm hungry.
But I don't want to eat.
I'm tired.
And yet I had a decent sleep.
What's wrong with me?
I silently ask this question.
Over. And Over.
No response.
I want to get in a tub of hot water.
And soak away my doubts. Troubles. Fears.
Never being held by that
oh so special someone.
I want to talk to anyone.
But I have no words to say.

I'm about to go see my BOO.
Well I hope he's there.
So he has this mean swagger.
And I love his hair.
But yah so I just had to get this out real quick.
I feel so giddy.
And I'm not even trying to look all that good.
And I'm in my REGULAR pj's.
hehehe. 

ii mean do I have BAD LUCK or what?
Wednesday I'm taking out my braids at a friends house and I had an afrow a really big one looking a hot mess in front of her cool brother and his fione ass friend.
Ofcourse I was embarressed because I always have my hair done regardless. And I don't like going anywhere looking a hot mess.
S0.
We were all just laughing chilling dancing (except for me I was still taking out my braids).
The next day I find out that the fione boy likes. I
I guess I have a cute face ^_^.
BUT.
BIG BUT.
He's the boy that I use to talk to brother.
Brother.
(sigh)
Actual BROTHER.
UGH.
And his brother is trying to talk back to me but I don't want to talk to his stank ass because while I was talking to him he lied to and told me he didn't have a girlfriend when he really did.
ASSHOLE.
But whatever. My point is I want to talk to the boy but I don't know if I should.
And I heard he has a girlfriend, but people could just be lying so....
I don't know.
What do I do.
And I saw him yesterday.
He's so cute. And I know he was on the phone with a girl and I guess she heard me and my friend in the background and he hung up on her. It was so funny because she had called back and she was "who's that" and he was obviously trying to talk to me.
But I dunno.

Jeesh.
W0RSE LUCK EVER.